Anxiety and my work journey

I didn't expect it to be so long, so here are the different sections if you want to read it over several days:

1. The beginning

2. Get a life

3. The last straws

4. Fix everything by quitting

5. Don't swallow the problem

The beginning

During primary school I had two nightmares: making someone angry (my school teachers or my parents), and the holidays.

Why were the holidays a nightmare?

I had anxiety because of holiday homework.

My fears were:

1. Did I understand the homework well?

2. Did I miss something?

3. Did I do everything correctly? or at least well enough? (not to make my teacher angry)

No proof whatsoever was enough to calm me down. I was happy when the teacher and my parents were satisfied with my results. That was the only thing that could give me a temporary moment of peace.

Just to fall back into the trap once the effect was off.

The irony of fate: most of the time holiday homework was not even corrected, so it was a pointless self-torture. Now I would be mad as hell, but then it didn't bother me at all.

Luckily, I barely remember now the feeling of malaise and discomfort that accompanied me until the end of university. However, I still remember calling my mom when I was sick at home - I strongly believe that I kept falling ill also because of this - and it was the day before going back to school: I would just keep repeating that I had anxiety. I don't remember any solution.

I was a great pupil, of course, there was either "the best" or "the humiliation", no middle way. Going back to school was not a problem per se, the problem was the anxiety.

Growing up luckily my lifestyle got a little bit healthier. During the "middle school," we have in Italy, I discovered languages and my interest in foreigners.

Get a life

"Get a life" is what I would say to myself as a child. I was a great little soldier, but I had nothing else outside school. It was sick.

I attended volleyball classes for some years, before having anxiety also for that because two girls who were older than me bullied me and I gave up.

I had no guts for anything.

Languages showed me that I could do something good outside school. I was still terrible at selling myself, but at least I knew there was something outside.

I had something that could help me relativize the importance of school, with its grades, etc. Anxiety was still a leitmotiv, though, especially in the form of stress eating and being overweight.

High school was a very hard "training" (let's call it like this), because I was realising more and more that the importance of school was enormously less than what I had thought some years before, but there was a total despise from the school system for any personal initiative whatsoever.

Now, that's criminal. Every year I am more convinced of it, but at least I grew up quite angry against "the system". I was psychologically destroyed at the end and I couldn't get rid of anxiety for real, but at least I was aware that the system was unfair.

I still remember the day before the second test of the last year exam of my high school. I couldn't sleep, I had terrible cramps in my stomach. Then around 2 am, I had to throw up everything and I woke up again around 6 am for some other reasons. You can imagine how fresh I was during the test :)

That time along with the stress eating was one of the most physical symptoms I've had. Some days ago I discovered a new one after more than 10 years then, you never stop learning!

The last straws

At university, I felt very bad when I realized I had no interest in what I chose as a plan B, C, D, E, F... you name it. Law was a choice that was based on the most pessimistic forecasts possible about my capability of getting a job.

I even feel a bit dumb at writing it right now, but that was really like that.

However, the masochist in me decided I had to inflict myself 4 more years of punishment instead of changing course (because it would have been a humiliation...).

In this case, I should admit it was also a matter of calculations. I wanted to get out of the educational system so badly that thinking of awaiting 5 potentially more pleasurable years in a different course instead of 4 frustrating ones would immediately sound like a bad deal.

At least, at the end of university, I had completely got rid of my tolerance for "unpleasant situations", which led me to what I'm doing now.

How was anxiety at work?

Well, let me tell you the questions I would ask myself during the only employee job I had.

1. Did I understand the task well?

2. Did I miss something?

3. Did I do everything correctly? or at least well enough? (not to make problems for my manager or my colleagues)

Sounds familiar?

Again, I was happy when my manager was happy with my work. It was the only thing that could calm me down until the effect wore off.

I didn't make big progress from that point of view, but here you can read that the rest was going a tad better.

I would say that the feeling was different. In the end, I wasn't a child anymore, but it was more the fear of being stuck. Of being on a path that led to nowhere and you can't see the exit. Still anxiety, but more nuanced.

And more and more physical.

I started with a pain in my ear and face, which was a muscular tension. The doctor I picked had no clue - and remains the worst I've ever found in Brussels. He just filled me with cortisone, which of course worked on the symptoms.

I realised only later talking to my GP that it was a mistake. I will be forever grateful to him for allowing me to realize how strong was the impact of what I felt.

The pain in that ear went hand in hand with stress eating, but then March 2021 came.

Fix everything by quitting?

Eh, not really.

When I quit my job I felt very bad for weeks, which was a big letdown for me because I was expecting to "heal" in a matter of days, not months.

I couldn't get rid of the weight on my chest. I kept dreaming about emails. I felt completely numb. Well, waiting one year for this didn't sound like a great result.

After around two weeks, I started probably "digesting" what was going on and I cried non-stop for five days. I was forcing myself to eat even if the sole idea gave me nausea. I lost several kilos in a matter of weeks.

I saw a therapist because I couldn't accept spending my days that way after having waited technically one year, but actually... whole my life? for a moment like this. For the freedom to rebuild my life from scratch, the way I wanted to.

That appointment was a liberation. I kept crying but I had the point of view of someone who didn't know me - and the day after the weight on my chest was gone as well as the dreams about work :) It was as if my brain pushed the "reset" button.

What I'm realising now is that I feel the anxiety less and less "mentally", but the physical outcomes get quite strong.

Honestly, I don't know what's better. Ok, I can work better and I enjoy my days way more, but then when I have these blowouts I panic a bit.

Don't swallow the problem

As of April 2021, I started having waves of panic at dawn.

I could feel a wave coming from my stomach towards my throat.

I would wake up and think: "Am I going to make it or not?".

My reaction was swallowing.

Don't take inspiration, pls.

Because then one day you wake up and your jaw is completely blocked.

Your speaking is distorted because you cannot open your mouth properly. You have to eat chickpeas one by one. You have to cut strawberries with a knife because they're simply too big.

And then you have to get 10 sessions by a physiotherapist to reopen your mouth properly.

After that in 2022 I started having chalazions in my eyes. I panicked because all of a sudden one day I felt something popping in my eye and growing "live". I didn't know what to do because it was like on a Friday night (why not?) and it took a while to understand what it was.

Probably they were caused by rosacea, which in turn can be caused by... stress/anxiety. It took almost a year to get the right treatment for this.

But now it's solved.

Every time I overcome some physical problem coincidentally I feel more and more confident about my job. Maybe it's like because I've "passed" another test, but I'm starting to suspect that I've just become better at suffocating my feelings while the body has proportionally stronger reactions.

The cherry on top was a couple of weeks ago.

All of a sudden I woke up at night, realizing that I made a noise similar to a whistle because I couldn't breathe.

W-T-F.

The whole day I felt a sort of block in my throat. I was quite scared because I've had some problems with my thyroid in the past, but apparently, I wasn't supposed to have them now.

A couple of days after I had it again. Waking up was less traumatic because I dreamt about it and woke more "sweetly", but I was quite scared of falling asleep again. I even considered not sleeping at all, but it was exactly a crazy idea that you have only when you panic.

Instinctively I started massaging the neck and feeling some relief, so I googled to look for exercises to relax those muscles. I waited a couple of days to go to my GP, because at least I wanted to be sure I had nothing at my thyroid.

Of course, there was nothing... the breathing exercises and the endorphins after running keep helping me.

I don't know how to conclude this piece. If it can help you consider your mental health and demystifying the kind of image I may give on my channels, then it will have reached a valuable goal and I'm happy with this.